Staccato
The omens have begun to come more quickly. In my dream about the Heart of America, I saw a specific place where I had hidden a cigarette and some speed in my room (not really possible, as I never smoked or used in my parent’s house), and that image has continued to haunt me ever since. I went upstairs into my old room (after I left, they piled their undesireables on top of what I left there) and looked in the place I had seen in my dream. It was just a book… Hornblower and Atropos. Yup.
Thursday I’ll be at my grandparent’s house for the third time in a month. Dreamed of that one too.
A month till Christmas, and I feel as though no hope is left in me for this work. ‘Too slow, too slow’, I hear the Committee chiding me. ‘Irrelevant’, they say, ‘you just aren’t suited for this task… find something that requires less sophistication, you country bumpkin… You’ll never measure up to these who you stand in the presence of. You didn’t even go to college… how can you even speak of the Academy?!?!’
The weight is tremendous, but I suppose I’m a glut for it. Haven’t given up today, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
One day at a time, eh?
Anonymous AethyrNet Remailer
In A.A. they encourage you to write letters to people who you can’t make direct amends to. This guy won’t speak to me, hence the letter that follows.
Dear XxxX,
Hey man, how are you? Lately you’ve been on my mind quite a bit, and I’m really not sure what to do about it. I guess you feel like I betrayed you or left you behind or am pussy-whipped or whatever, but it doesn’t feel that way here. I’m happy. Honestly happy. This is the happiest my life has ever been really. Some days though, man… I just miss talking to you. I miss gaming with the group, although I really don’t want to game anymore. Doesn’t make sense, I know, but it’s true. I miss the sense of community we all used to have, back at Xxxxxx, when the slate was fresh, and there wasn’t the enmity of bitterly passed time between us. Back then, I always felt like the best was yet to come. Maybe it still is, but for the time being, at least, it seems that what dreams may come, we face them separately. As we have for awhile now. There are things I never understood, that I wished you would just talk about, but couldn’t ask you to drop your facade or your honor. I resent that now… I always thought the whole front was a bunch of shit. I resent myself for not being brave enough to stand up to your bullshit stories. Maybe you reminded me of my dad, or maybe you just knew how to press my buttons so that I wouldn’t want to challenge you. I still don’t want to, but the omens say that it may come to pass, that your stupid prediction (You’ll either be my best friend or my worst enemy…) may come true, and we may end up being enemies truly, instead of just being estranged friends. If it is true, I just want to tell you now, before God and Man, that for my part, I am sorry. I wasn’t the true friend I could have been, in that I should have called you on your bullshit. I should have told you that you were only a friend of convenience, when you were still seeing Xxxxxxx. I should have said something about the obsessive gaming when it wasn’t yet a problem. I should have told you that that Xxxxx is a vulture, and that he is poisoning your soul. Not to mention the fact that I never said anything as I watched addiction ravage and rape your life and your mind. I was responsible for those things, for that integrity that I never showed, that I still hide deep within because it hurts so much to be honest… it hurts so much to be true and I’m still afraid of that pain. No excuse, just where I’m at. I’m getting better though. I wow’ed my dad the other day when I told him about my son. I told him that my son read “The Alchemist” in two days, and understood it (at 8 years old, he knows how to speak with the Soul of the World!). I told him about Sendovigius and the emblems on Notre Dame. Or about my studies in Judaism, and my dislike for Rav Berg. Funny annecdotes… just a step beyond small talk really, but a revealing step. Maybe? Don’t know. I pierced the veil of his Fundamentalism with something akin to Love and Faith. I’ve been trying to cultivate those lately… I feel it stronger and stronger when the need comes to me. I fill my house with it, I fill my neighborhood with it, maybe soon my town or state with it. All this strength is new to me, although it may seem droll to everyone else. I learned how to be strong from you, sometimes by what you did, and sometimes by learning not to do what you did. I heard the messages in your stories, and I thought you were brilliant. I guess I believed in you, and I still do. Maybe I’ve done that with all my friends, and that deep Phileo was why I always put up with people’s bullshit. I couldn’t bear the idea of losing all of you. But that happened anyway. “What happened happened, and couldn’t have happened any other way.” I don’t know if I believe that anymore. “The future is not decided by a throw of the dice, but by the conscious decisions of me and you.” I choose to release you from all responsibility regarding my emotions, thoughts, and my spirit. I have no power over you, and you have no power over me. You are free and if you wish to return and be my friend then it is your choice. If you wish to never see me again, it is your choice.
Bottom line… wish you were here.
==
B’shalom,
Casey Sheldon
. <— This period brought to you, in part by, Josh Gellar who inspired many a letter square doodled on my notepad.
Eckhartshausen’s Sensorium?
Ba’al Zebub
from 01168 (BOL) and 02070 (ZBVB) , Greek 954; ; n pr m
AV-Baalzebub 4; 4
Baal-zebub =” lord of the fly”
1) a Philistine deity worshipped at Ekron
==
Zebub
from an unused root (meaning to flit); TWOT-523a; n m
AV-fly 2; 2
1) fly
==
Excerpted from an article in Mysteries magazine:
“As flies make their signature quick turns, their bodies rotate too fast for their visual systems to keep up, which means that a non-visual sensory system is involved in flight control. Researchers suspect that the flies’ shrunken second pair of wings, which were long thought to be used for stability, are part of a high performance sensory system that controls complex actions by using a relatively small number of neurons.”
(written by Judith Kane, “Researchers Prove that Flies Can Fly”, pg. 12)
Reminds me of some of the discussions surrounding quantum computing… Of course, there’s always been this wierd connection in my brain between goets and flies, because of the whole Ba’al Zebub thing. So, anyway, the point is that I’m surveying the next hill, and I figure, when in Rome…
Ayin-Tzaddi
Ayin in shape is said to be a Nun + a Zayin or a Vau, depending on who you ask. I like the idea of a Zayin, and I think it fits in well here (although an equally strong case could be made for Vau).
OYN – ayin-yod-nun
[BDB] n.f. spring (of water) — spring; (i.e. of the sea); fig. (poem), of Jacob’s descendants.
[HL] AV-eye 495, sight 216, seem 19, colour 12, fountain 11, well 11, face 10, pleased + 03190 10,
presence 8, displeased + 03415 8, before 8, pleased + 03474 4, conceit 4, think 4, misc 66; 887
1) eye 1a) eye 1a1) of physical eye 1a2) as showing mental qualities 1a3) of mental and spiritual faculties (fig.)
2) spring, fountain
Gematria: 70 – LIL – evil spirit of the night
SVD – Secret
As I’m seeing it, I think the idea of visualizing a future in order to make it occur is the best example to use in explaining the conceptual nature of the letter. Zayin is the Quintessential Memory property, which lets us charge our environment or objects therein with a vision, a sight, a sense of what outcome we are looking for. A man sees himself in a new car. However, as many of us may already know, rich men do not become so merely by dreaming or even visualising for that matter. Action must be taken as well. This is where the Nun comes in. The passive aspect of consciousness can prompt us to act in ways that will aid in the manifestation of the end result. A man sees himself in a new car, then at the prompting of intuition, applies to a new position which he is hired for and which pays him enough to afford the car. This is another aspect that Ginsburgh highlights in his book on the Alef-Beit. Ayin is two eyes, one looking above at Samekh, and the other looking below to Peh. Make sense?
My daughter is a Capricorn, and this weekend while she was away, I noticed that the house was very quiet (My son is Libra, I am Aquarian, and my wife is Virgo – we sat and read books all weekend). She seems to walk through the above process with a great deal of ease. She wants the house to be a joyousplace, so she sings. And when we hear her sing, we take in her intent, and manifest it in ourselves. It makes us feel happy.
This can be turned the opposite way, though, which is most prominently displayed in the Devil trump. I’m going to use Lashon Hara (gossip) as an example here, but it equally applies to all fears made manifest through random acts of anger and irritation or unkind words as well as gossip (LShVN HRO). This is why the one who hears gossip is affected more than the one who speaks it, although it is a terrible thing in all cases. I struggle with the concept, as many of my friends are actually businessmen who find joy in sharing who did what to whom, according to local rumor. Sadly, I would be without any contact to the outside world, if I were to reject all who have gossiped in my presence.
This is the nature of a complex entangled system – chaos. Bringing order to this same system is not necessarily the answer. Doing so might merely cause one of my friends to desire to start gossiping about my reclusive tendencies. No, there needs to be a balance struck. One friend of mine described how he got his friends to stop telling racist jokes in his presence by making a simple statement, “John Doe, I really am not comfortable with these kinds of jokes. Next time, I’d appreciate it if you just didn’t tell me about it, okay?” He did it in a really non-confrontational manner (and he’s the boss, which helps of course ;D ) and it really worked. Obviously not every situation can go so smoothly. That’s where we have to use the constructive power of Ayin to combat its use as a destrctive force. Fight fire with fire. Call up a situation in your mind where a reasonable compromise can be struck. Treat the person as reasonable, as though you are dealing with another part of yourself. Then, when the situation comes up, explain it to them without being accusatory or calling names. Beware even harmless implication! Using the word ‘one’ or ‘someone’ instead of ‘you’ or ‘they’ – the word ‘might’ instead of ‘should’. Verbal intent is a difficult skill to master at times, but it is well worth the time it takes to do so. And now we’ve come full circle: from a problem dealing with someone saying too much, to a solution by learning to say precisely and exactly what you mean.
==
I was meditating on Ayin the other night, especially on the concept of one eye facing inward and one eye outward. I started to think that maybe I was being too consistent and needed to branch out a little, so I read up on Ginsburgh’s voluminous take on the subject and Rabbi Munk’s ideas as well, but I couldn’t come up with anything. So I gave up and went back to studying some Pythagorean material I’ve been reading, and it hit me. Not just inward and outward – upwards and downwards. This might not seem to make a whole lot of sense, but by basic Pythagorean/Platonic emanation theory, movement upwards is will, while movement downwards is perception. Ayin is one eye, with two directions… It’s like the old comics where you see the guy looking at something and there’s a dotted line connecting his eyeball to what he’s looking at. Except, what if we posit that the observation of the subject is having some sort of effect on it? That would be Will, even if only so subtly. Perception and Will joined in one eye.
But then I couldn’t connect how the Devil fit into the equation. Let’s look at it from another standpoint. A collective soul is an entity in it’s own right, and just like we humans, it has beliefs and ideas and things that appeal to it’s sense of aesthetic. By giving a certain person the right perspective (energy moves down), it can influence the individual to make a certain choice – thereby exercising Will (energy returns). Thereby does it cause change in accordance with it’s own will, just as we would do so with our arm, or leg – the perception that we need to move is generated in the brain, nerve impulses carry the message, and the arm moves, then we get the message back from the arm that it is moving. The sensation of moving is (according to my *very* basic understanding) an echo. The muscle cells parallel our own situation: free will does exist, but will is exercised based on perception. If I see a situation, I can only act on what I see of it. If I see a man attack a small child, I will rush to stop him. But if it was actually two actors filming a movie, and I didn’t see the cameras… I would have been acting based on my perception of the matter, not based on the matter itself. Similarly, we have free will, but are not omniscient. So we act based on what we percieve, not necessarily on the truth of the matter. Our perceptual limits and ranges are given to us, based on the push/pull relationship with whatever collectives we belong to. If I am a Republican or a Democrat I may be able to see certain issues more clearly, but when it comes to my own party’s actions, I may be more blinded. But, to gain perception, we sacrifice portions of our will. The addict/alcoholic is sometimes described as ‘self-will out of control’ and hence is blind to almost everything around them. However, think about the Matrix Reloaded catch-phrase: systems of control. The Matrix is a symbol of control because it feeds the people a grossly filtered and distorted perception of the world, specifically a long gone
time frame. They still have their will, but they are controlled by falsified perception. A collective doesn’t exercise will on our plane (will moves upward), but rather feeds us perception in order to cause us to choose what it already wants us to do. Sounds sinister (devilish even 
), but it isn’t necessarily so.
==
Tzaddi is a Nun and a Zayin also. But it’s reversed from the previous order. In Ayin we learn to see the situation, then judge what to do next based on intuition. In Tzaddi it’s just the opposite – we learn to trust intuition in understanding our situations, and then what needs to be done becomes apparent quickly. In Tzaddi, the mind which abides in faith (the natural state of the Intuitive faculty) replaces the normal consciousness, and the subconscious learns to control mundane functions on it’s own. In Ayin, the subconscious delivers signals from the superconscious to ego consciousness which attempts to react based on past knowledge. Hence the reversal. Later on, subconscious, conscious, and superconscious all unite into one – Shin. Enough on that for now, though.
The tzaddik is also active in the community, and seeks to change his environment. Seeing the world as screwed up and crazy is only the first step. The knowledge is only the beginning. After that, the righteous man must discover his intent for the world. Then right action proceeds from right intent. In cleaning this vast and messy room, even picking up one bit of trash is an act of righteousness. A very few go on to create a masterwork, a movement of collective consciousness which outlives them. And here we have one of the great dilemmas of the Aeon/Age. How can we create collective movements which will stand the test of Time. There is a decay of any movement in the collective, so knowing how to direct this decay so that there won’t be any radioactive material left lying around is key here.
Also, learning to ‘clean the room’ is more Tau than Tzaddi. Tzaddi is learning to create liveable solutions – learning the balance between ends and means that keeps Grandma able to buy crossword puzzles. There must be a sense of humanity in any solution that allows humans to keep being human. Many things are necessary for life to go on, even if they aren’t necessary for survival. The ignorant must be free to remain so – The grocer should be able to keep his store, the bum his handouts, and the scholar his knowledge bases. For things to change, some of it must be threatened, in a real and undeniable way. This doesn’t mean that it all must die or cease to be, though. Tzaddi is learning how to change things, even change the entire system, without destroying that which makes life worth living (Ah… toilet paper!).
An excerpt from Alcibiades:
“SOCRATES: And what is that of which the absence or presence improves and preserves the order of the city? Suppose you were to ask me, what is that of which the presence or absence improves or preserves the order of the body? I should reply, the presence of health and the absence of disease. You would say the same?
ALCIBIADES: Yes.
SOCRATES: And if you were to ask me the same question about the eyes, I should reply in the same way, ‘the presence of sight and the absence of blindness;’ or about the ears, I should reply, that they were improved and were in better case, when deafness was absent, and hearing was present in them.
ALCIBIADES: True.
SOCRATES: And what would you say of a state? What is that by the presence or absence of which the state is improved and better managed and ordered?
ALCIBIADES: I should say, SOCRATES:–the presence of friendship and the absence of hatred and division.” [Note: This is the basis of true Community]
Tzaddi is also the final Final (without counting the Greater Aleph – 1000) which completes the cycle of the letters. Righteousness in action is the key to finishing Paul’s metaphoric race (Another Demiurgos who failed, though he came within a hair’s bredth of success, I think, in the aforementioned Work, all things considered).
[Note: the Tzaddi section of this post was hastily reconstructed from memory, after livejournal's maintenance cycle ate my first attempt]
Makes a lot more sense as to why Cheth/Duality along with two Yods (eyeballs!) and a single Mem final (Do not say, Waters, waters!!! There’s only One) is ChIIM/Life, and associated with the Otz/Tree.
More informative stuff on Tzaddi later.
==
An excerpt from Late Spring in the “The White Bees” collection by Henry Van Dyke (discovered by Spam Divination as described last month)
“Oh, were the seeds all lost
When winter laid the wild flowers in their tomb?
I searched their haunts in vain
For blue hepaticas, and trilliums white,
And trailing arbutus, the Spring’s delight,
Starring the withered leaves with rosy bloom.
The woods were bare: and every night the frost
To all my longings spoke a silent nay,
And told me Spring was far and far away.
Even the robins were too cold to sing,
Except a broken and discouraged note, –
Only the tuneful sparrow, on whose throat
Music has put her triple finger-print,
Lifted his head and sang my heart a hint, –
‘Wait, wait, wait! oh, wait a while for Spring!’”
Abiding Intent. Right. Mouse and Winter… [finished Little, Big awhile back, thanks sal!]
BTW salimondo,
Found a twelve spoked wheel in my back-yard. And the Dark Tower stands in the center. Now I’m seeing how a magickal work can be like birthing a child, and how one has to hope through all the pain and strife in the world that the child will come out alright, even if it isn’t likely. And in the same light, I came to understand that every working, even those whose material components die, lives on in the aethyr, and that their sum is our greatest legacy and our most dire curse upon the world.
And what is this word: “VAMEG”?!?
The Tree Saga
Dream of 3 nights ago:
I dreamed I was in my parent’s house. It’s an old house (built sometime around the 1910′s or 1920′s before my dad’s family bought it in 1924) with two stories, and a lot of old quirks (alas, Edgewood). I was climbing the Norse World Tree/Tree of Life by climbing the stairs, then as I would reach the next level, it would shift to the bottom floor, and I was able to climb to the next level. It was rich and lush with vegetation on the inside of the Tree, and it reminded me of a Jungle Book type jungle (nod to aikeena). I was re-climbing the Tree, because I had hidden something in the jungle the first time through. I was running, and next to me was a chatty little blonde girl, with big front teeth (
==
Dream of this afternoon:
I dreamed of a prison. It looked like it was made of the same “primer colored” metal as the Golden Gate Bridge. We were due to be released today. The warden wanted to search everyone for contraband. Many of us had religious items, like runes, tarot, siddur, korans and bibles, which the prison considered contraband. The guards were merciful though and would overlook things for a small payoff. I was standing in line, with my tarot deck in my pocket, and my payoff ready to palm to the guard. I wasn’t really that nervous, but many of the people around me were, as evidenced by their restlessness. The warden reminded me of the insane Kefka, from Final Fantasy 3(6!), but he was working someone over at the other end of the line of prisoners. The guard (who looked like the renegade general Celes also from Final Fantasy 3/6) came to the woman next to me, and told her to empty her pockets, the cue to palm the payoff. The woman blanched – She didn’t have any money left. The guard checked her pockets and pulled out a bag of what looked like runes. She told the woman to cast three and that she would let it slide. The woman did so, but looked up in horror to see the warden standing there behind the guard. The guard ran off, and it seemed to me that she got away. The warden stood there with insane glee in his eyes, ready to kill the woman. I reached out and caused the runes to become invisible, and simultaneously re-wrote the wardens memory to cause him to doubt what he had seen. Cognitive dissonance set in… At the same time, I saw people all around the world stop, wait, and listen to see if my ploy had worked. It did. I realised that if the warden stepped forward though, he’d step on the runes and realise that they were still there. So I called them to my hand and stuck them in my pocket quickly. The strings on the small drawstring bag wove themselves into my pants, and the red colored wooden runes, which were carved in the shape of a red blood cell dropped out of the bag, and absorbed into my skin, distributing themselves throughout my entire body. Then I woke up.
[Note: The Runes in question didn't necessarily have Norse Runes on them. They were small and I thought I saw Hebrew letters on them, although I'm not sure. There were also quite a few of them... perhaps more than 30... I don't know.]
