Down to the Dust
Watched Matchstick Men tonight. Very depressing all in all. It had a father-daughter dynamic that was sort of interesting, if sappy, until the end… which just made me hurt inside to watch. As a film it evoked some emotion, but not the kind that I was really looking for.
I still feel like I’m laying in the stillness of the darkest hour. This one actually. Some people say it’s just before dawn, but it’s kind of like the tide that way, and sometimes the sun comes up earlier or later. To me, it’s always been between 3 and 4. Fucking grind of an hour. Night owls like my current incarnation start to lose momentum, without any help, and the sleep-defying (read:death-defying) moon drops stop flowing altogether. Maybe a trickle. Maybe not.
This is the stillness I look for. Always. I’ve never really stopped hunting it, and about the only sounds I can bear now are the clicks of the keys. Silly, eh? It’s an old pact. One the moon made with me, I guess. I used to talk to Her, and she’d always just sort of smile at me, like it meant something.
It was raining up until I started typing. Another mystery to plague my steps. Sometimes all the notes sound the same: y’know, the notes that the keys make, the notes that the rain makes, and the notes that are just implied by the silence? Yeah, those notes. I think I’m just a tad upset by this movie. Ah well.
It would help if I could get some sleep. Haven’t slept all that well as of late. Part of me cringes at the fact that several times within this rant, I’ve admitted to weaknesses of consciousness. I get tired. I hurt. I feel.
These gaping maws of horror loom before me. Should I just jump in and feel them? Risk getting lost in a sea of shells? Ye gads, I must sound like Shinji, maybe I should compose a poem in honor of the occasion, so that it can be thrown into the void before me, an offering to the cthonic squid that looms in the inkwell. Or should I retreat, back to the safety of the Inhuman Excuse… I lived there once, too. I can’t remember why I emerged. Maybe I was just ready to. Maybe not.
Here in my hands, my dust-worn hands, I hold the secret of life. Dust and ashes, mire and clay. They part behind me, as the sea before Moses. I have nothing, because I have given to the dust the last of my hope. The shells of my mind, the letters of my name. Let my tears water them and may they flow down, down into the gulf within me also, and fill it with silence. Here I shall wait. Here I shall wait until the end of the world.
Faces
“Utilizing my desire in a different way is called “correction”. It is a state where I am completely liberated from it, as though looking at it from the side, not governed by it. For example: we can look at the will to receive as a will to bestow. If I know that you will enjoy my acceptance of your present, I will take it. By accepting your gift, I am inverted from a taker to a giver of delight. It is the lowest point of a higher spiritual object, the posterior of a higher Partzuf.”
Rav Michael Laitman
***As I understand it, the partzuf in the example mentioned here would be that of Nukva, the Bride of Zoir Anpin. The differences between single sephirah partzufim, multi-sephiroth partzufim, and multiple partzufim within a single sephirah are one of the things I’m currently meditating on, and Nuqva is an example of the first of the three (along with Aba and A(i)ma). Mom and Dad save the world, but the Bride makes it worth living in. La Aguilera in her three pronged assault on our “he’s-in-a-glass-by-himself” type vessels. The tripartate YHV permutations are the conceptual domain, the GUI, while the Bride becomes the interactive experience. Momma processes the bass, while Daddy soulfully renders with his tenor. Integration and inspiration, single direction concepts: Zoom in and zoom out. The Bride – reading the emanation feed (the place had a bad air about it). Zoir Anpin, though… the heights and depths of the human soul reside therein. This realm is so overflowing with variety that it seems that it may be better to just do as is common – to throw up ones hands and call it by some catch phrase, say “subjective” or “phenomenal.” Then we look at the multi-faceted Kether with it’s three partzufim, and we know very little of these experiences at all. At best they sometimes intrude (invoking horror factor in most), and leave deep impressions that may cause the subject to engage in “fear and trembling” (or fear and loathing as the case may be) as a result of the incredible impact that the “Ancient of Days” or the “Greater Countenance” can have. These effects are numinous in the extreme, and are often used as warnings to “dabblers.”
So we have multi-partzufim within a single sephirah – massive numinous experiences, seen often as subjective. (Holistic)
Mult-sephiroth partzuf (Zoir Anpin) – most descriptions of experience are rooted in this, almost always seen as subjective. (Reflective)
Single-sephiroth partufim (Aba, Ama, Nuqva) – actual organs of experience, usually described as objective. (Perceptive)
==
LeRoy Miller was my great uncle, and he was a damn fine piano player. He was also one of the few free spirits in my family. He was an outsider and a black sheep because of the fact that he was gay. In listening to his music, I’ve heard a powerful soul, and I wish that I could have known him better.
Fotthewuk
Was doing a bit of light reading here and noticed this guy. Simple conventions appeal to me, in part because I’ve seen a lot of people wrangle over details on subjects like this without any reference to ontology at all. Though I don’t think this diagram springs necessarily from any sort of gnosis experience (although it may well), I do think that simple diagrams can sometimes be useful for exploration purposes, and can be refined later as experience alters perspective.
Look at this and this for more people’s input on the subject. The variety of reactions is also an interesting study.
New Car Smell!
I am now the owner of one of these.
All the troubles we’ve been having as of late with cars and people who own them, convinced us to get our own transportation. Today we finally dropped off my father-in-law’s car and I can’t say I’m sad to leave it behind. Unfortunately, this will add a significant amount to our bills, but that’s okay, considering that it was a necessary step. I don’t need the extra $250 in books anyways. So, this will definitely put us in a better position to travel, so we can go solidify in-person friendships initiated at Pantheacon.
Cheers!
Spam-o-mancy!
My Elvish Name is:
Eärendur Carnesîr
–
Fun with spam:
Spam subject from a message I got last night
“young women seeking prince charming death”
Hrm…
Job Status
[Note: This isn't me. This guy is has a much better looking resume' than I do.]
BILINGUAL OFFICE
MANAGER
In search of part time employment.
Professional w/15+ years exp.
accounting, payroll, HR/Safety.
Excellent written & communication skills.
ADP,Word, Excel, etc
Found this in the local paper today. It seems sad, because it’s not the kind of ad you usually see here. More often than not, you hear people complaining because they didn’t get hired because they aren’t bilingual (which is usually just a cop-out, but that’s beside the point). It may seem like a very normal thing to those who live in larger cities, but for this area, it’s positively bizarre.
Like everywhere else, though we do have multiple organizations that are supposed to help people get jobs. The problem seems to be that there is no follow-through. They lead you to the application, but usually aren’t even sure if the organization is hiring or not. I see a network of people, like car lot sales managers, who are aware of each other’s personality type, interview styles, and hiring status, that could relay information to the ‘end user’, ie the Unknown Unemployee.
So I’m going to give my dad notice. I don’t know that I’ll find anything. I’ve got a felony that I was never convicted of that keeps showing up on my background check, so it’s entirely possible that I won’t be able to pass for normal anyway. Passing for normal means jumping through a hoop drawn ever more narrow by the fundamentalist moral heart strings that basically hold this community together. Heh… even our mayor is outside of the hoop.
But if I don’t try, then I’m letting that hoop decide the course of my life.
As Evola advises: Resist.
I live on
So this past week or so, I’ve been hearing dump truck loads of info on Lillith, the lillitu, the lillim, etc… During this time I saw 4 blood moons (although another source says 5 in a row), my sister and my wife’s purses were stolen, and my children have been sick. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been feeling drained of energy, irritable, and just generally not good.
So, on Saturday, as usual, we RP’ed and it was a pretty good game. Fun character development stuff, although not as much plot movement. It’s easy (and tempting – hee!!) sometimes to keep throwing dangerous situation after dangerous situation at a party of players, but I’ve noticed that I tend to get disassociated from my own character when a Storyteller does that to me. I was pretty surprised that the energy flow worked as well as it did, considering that we spent half our time converting characters into the Storyteller system from GURPS. Maybe I shouldn’t be though, because to most players GURPS can seem pretty arcane, while Storyteller is very accessible and understandable. The numbers of dots are given with examples telling what that number on the paper means, and so maybe it served as a way for the players to connect more fully to their characters, instead of just being the boring stat conversion session that it kind of was for me. However, I can’t complain, because the RP’ing was tremendous, and the characters handled some very strange events with very human reactions – the true test of a game, imo. I also got to play some fun NPC’s and really hammed it up a couple of times. [grin]
Today I pretty much slept all day though. Kris’ purse was stolen and so I had to get up early and call the bank to cancel the ATM card before they used it. I’m still not convinced that the lady on the other end understood what I was trying to tell her. She kept getting confused at the big words or something (i.e. stolen), I think.
So tonight I log on to XKay and people are starting to go at it. Quarrels that started over poor word choices or because of differences in communication styles. Geez, salimondo, you really hit the nail on the head with that Qlippoth answer you gave me on alt.magick awhile back. So I’m doing info dumps. Info dumps on the nature of Sandalphon and Nephesh HaMoshiach, the ‘Archangel’ candidates for Malkuth, depending on your trad, to counter the Lillith outbreak.
Sigh… I’m not sure we’re ready for this sort of work. Then again, how does one ‘get ready’ for this sort of work?
Movement between letter states
Ideas (?):
Movement between letter states could be decided by the Natural Vowel theory, wherein each letter has an implied vowel that corresponds to it. Good theory, if you can come up with a good system of vowel meanings. However, the natural vowel concept seems to be a later development, describing general trends in the earlier ‘vowel-less’ Hebrew system, which seems to diminish its validity a bit.
Movement between letter states could be decided by Sefer Yetzirah kingship sequences. The relationship between the king letter and the first letter of the kingship’s domain could be seen as a first order relationship, to second, a second order relationship, and so on. First order relationships would be processes that naturally flow into one another, while second order relationships would require an implied intermediary state, and so on and so forth. Connections not explicitly stated could be delineated from some sort of map, perhaps created during the analysis process. Reflexive connections also are possible, like the contagion nature of Shin as reflected in the kingship of Shin over ASh… Shin flows into Aleph, which flows into Shin, etc… Downside: difficult to learn and tough to map out.
Movement between letters could be delineated by numeric values. Differences between one value and the next would be considered as the unifying process. Elegant in some ways, it seems the most likely method that would lead someone into madness.
More Qliphot stuff
“We live in complete spiritual darkness. The surrounding light shines on the outside and awakens the egoism, the will to receive, yet cannot penetrate it. This is how we are awakened to spirituality. To further awaken us, not necessarily to spirituality, but to any personal achievement, a part of the surrounding light must (seemingly) be inside us. For that purpose the “point in the heart” is inserted into our selfish hearts. This point is a gift from above.
It is the lowest point of a higher spiritual object, the posterior of a higher Partzuf.”
Rav Michael Laitman.
I’m not going to do a scholarly treatment of the Qliphot right now. May do that later, but right now, I’d rather stick with what I’m getting intuitively.
Most of the work I do with ‘husking’ derives from a concept I actually got from this video game:
http://www.valkyriestudios.com/scstory.htm
Very scholarly, I know. 
In the game, it describes how when the shell/continents allow light through to the core, there is an awakening within the Core (I think they link this to the Creator also, but I can’t remember seeing as it’s been several years since I actually played the game).
Similarly, when I encounter a person, place, or thing that seems to need more light and heat (attention/perception and will/intent)… someone who seems draining, or a situation that angers people, I husk it. I view it as a spherical combination lock. Then I consider all sides of the issue, ideologically (people’s various perspectives, the conflicting options within complex situations, etc…). This has the effect of rotating the various layers of the shells (Note: the visualisation is done simultaneously with the contemplative aspect). Then when the light shines outwards, one need only provide a catalyst… a shin (chewing on the idea, in this case) and it sets itself ablaze. The husks aren’t discarded, but rather are used as fuel for the ignited spark. This has the effect of turning the situation into a steadily self-improving process, instead of a quagmire of negativity.
The Hazzards of Edom
Dreamed I was in a car with a couple of my old friends. We were driving in an old beat-up car… one of those boats they used to make in the 60′s and 70′s, in a strange and terrible green color. I think we were trying to escape something, although what that may have been wasn’t specified. It vaguely resembled those Dukes of Hazzard style chase scenes, but without the shot switching back to the inept sherriff/fat mayor and the angry bad guys. Anyway, we took a detour/shortcut down next to a canal. The driver had started to cut corners and drive pretty insanely. He was driving up and onto rocky outcroppings next to the road, which made me think that he was probably going to flip the car. As we drove down by the canal, there came a point where we had to make a choice as to which way to go. I knew we needed to take the upper road, but he decided to go the lower way. I remember the car flipping over and seeing it all in a slow-motion sort of shot that made things really seem dramatic. Then I was standing on the upper path, and looking down to see the car half-submerged in the river. One of my friends’ legs was sticking out of the back window of the car at a sickening angle. I tried to pull the car up out of the river, thinking I could use that fabled adrenaline rush to achieve some mighty feat of strength. It didn’t work. [gap] I remember next that one of my friends made it out, at least. Not sure about the other guy.
