A flock of starlings circling and bending an eastern red cedar tree.
Quote
“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Moving and Shaking
My sister has remained firm on her offer for the house. Her luck has deteriorated along with several of her closest friendships.
One of my oldest friends has returned out of the blue, having decided to change her life into the dream she always believed in.
My son has turned it around a bit and is showing signs of progress.
I am still in limbo on the job front. Job I last applied for closed on Friday. Should know more after follow up call tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
Seems like things are moving, lick a finger and check the wind.
I am far more motivated. Hmmmm. Anger is sweet but causes much heartburn.
Was told I had a tremendously generous soul by a stranger.
Completed all to do tasks today. Focus, focus, focus. This was done in spite of being woke by friend who is too perky in the mornings and finding she was on her way to my house. Had to function well enough to give directions without coffee. Whoop of Triumph when she showed up without getting lost.
Also lost Nietzsche was found in ridiculous place by husband. Yay for husbands who find lost things in silly places and only tease a bit rather than mercilessly.
Integral Naked
I breezed through the Introduction to Integral Theory and Practice today. A rather useful thing really. Will peruse the rest of the site later. Rather like the sheer amount of content available.
Time to run now, the body moves, the mind contemplates.
Odd Person – Odd Street
Dream
At dinner of my husband’s family. I was sitting next to his grandfather H. He was asking me about my new job, and if I felt I was making a difference in the lives of others. We talked for much longer about much, then on my other side I noticed my brother had sat down. He and I are not close, in fact our history leaves us purposefully distant as a general rule. He was asking me to take him to pick up his stuff. I told him he needed to just rent a truck. He couldn’t afford one, but wanted me to take him in my car. I agreed to drive him to the bus station. As I drove I found myself on a rather surreal street. There was a tea shop/emporium with a large teapot sculpture that steamed. Further on there was a large building that gave a seamless mirror to the street. I found myself alone in the car at the light. There was a sort of square where vendors had small carts or tables, even a few small tents. There was a lady with a yellow bird selling scarves with beads on the fringes and small clay pots of perfume. The light turned green and I told my brother he needed to rent a truck, and then I gave him the money. He gave me a sad smile and asked if I would ever take a chance at forgiving him. I smiled and told him that I had years ago. He kissed my cheek and got out at the bus-stop. H asked if I liked my salad, I told him it was very good but it needed more salsa.
“Hell is the center of the universe, and don’t you forget it!”
Rawr
Took out some old seals that I’d made and released them. It was time, and they weren’t useful or relevant to my life or my work any more. Been reading a bit more lately, mainly Joseph Dan’s Kabbalah intro, which is good. I still like Scholem better, but Dan is good nonetheless.
Feeling listless, and waiting for something, although I’m not sure what. Honestly don’t know where the extra grand we’ll need to pay bills and get groceries is coming from, but there are several possibilities for it to work out fine, so I’m not stressing too much on it. I’m actually surprised that I’m not more stressed out about it. I’ve been working for my dad in the meantime making up for a couple of unexpected expenses that came up this month. I’ve technically had Saturdays and Sundays off all month, but I went ahead and worked every Sunday so far to keep up. This will actually be my first Sunday off. Hurray for 2 day weekends!
At this point, I suspect I may be typing to hear my keys click, so I’ll cut this short. G’night.
Job Tangent
I hate the job application process. I am rather bad at staying in touch with people I like, let alone those I have had professional relationships with. Bad K, no references. Argggh. Just one short of the requirement and the deadline for this job is Friday. Ok, done whining. Normal productive activity will now resume.
On the bright side, I seem to have an in for a rather good job once I leap the references hurdle. A non soul sucking job,which I am not only qualified for but would probably enjoy. It even has benefits and good salary.
That is all.
Edit: Found good third reference. He even promised not to tell that I used to come into the office wearing elf slippers complete with bells. Oh the joy of old dirt and successful old bosses.
What’s it worth?
I guess you know you are healing when what was nearly emotionally crippling days ago has reduced to a bit of sadness and confusion. My sister has decided that she needs to maneuver herself into a better financial situation, and that requires that she reduce her offer to buy me out of the last of the estate. It has been cycling around in my head for the past few weeks. I realize that my inability to understand it is willful on my part. I am just not willing to become the type of person that can take advantage of a relationship or person for money. It is willful. I went into the estate process knowing that if I really wanted it, I could really push and manipulate the situation to gain more. I decided 10 years ago that I would not become that person. I agreed to take 1/3 the low appraised price for the last house as it would allow us to receive the appraisal value with no tax hit. When my sister decided to accumulate the properties for herself, I still agreed to the lower payout. I was far more interested in the budding relationship we were building that the money. Time passed, the house market in the area the house is in has boomed, causing some of the houses in the area to double in price, and she has decided that it is in her best interest to offer $10,000 less. I have spent the last week going round the roller coaster of lovely destructive emotions. I have come to the following conclusions.
My worth is not determined by what others are willing to trade a relationship with me for.
That house has haunted me since childhood, and while it saddens me to see her sucked into it, I will do well to sever connections to it.
I am not hopelessly naive, I have seen some of the worst of what humans are capable of, but I will not become a bitter, emotionally constipated person. My emotions may be messy, and downright volatile at times, but they are mine and I am keeping them.
There is no price that I would accept for a child, friend, lover, or sibling. I am not defined by my wealth, possessions, or tax bracket.
I will live my life and achieve my goals without selling myself.
So, yeah I am still hurt by her decision. I probably will be for a while. I have been hurt before and while it sucks, I am not diminished. Life goes on and so do I.
A journey of 1000 miles…
begins with a bad infomercial, a doctor that will dance for you in puple scrubs, and that infamous single step. Today I broke 200 miles toward my 1000 mile goal. So as of today I am sitting at 202. The goal is to take a 1000 mile trip on the inner landscape. It has been an incredible journey lately.
