Chevrut
I had intended to read through Pirkei Avot, but I was side-tracked by this gem. I’ve struggled for a long time, trying to find a way to explain how Aikeena and I related to each other. Understandably, others found him difficult to get along with. For me, this process happened in reverse order of the above quote, but it really illustrates the value of having a chevrutah (friend, but also a study partner).
When I was first getting sober, in 2001, I had little hope of finding anyone to interact with online. Occasionally I found people who would provide interesting discussions regarding Kabbalah on Yahoo Clubs, but even then, I was still learning the terminology in an experiential way. I discovered alt.magick around the same time as the 9/11 disaster. I read without posting for several months. After a while Aikeena and I had a fairly long discussion, and I began emailing him personally. One of the things that struck me about him was the fact that he was always sure of his explanation, immersing himself completely in the explanation, with no reservation and without regard for what others might think. I’m reminded of the scene in “The Last Samurai” in which Tom Cruise’s character is told, “Too many mind” because he is minding the crowd and how people are looking at him. Finally the friendly advice concludes, “No mind.” Aikeena was more than capable of this in regards to his Work.
This is not to say that befriending him was easy. I knew there were areas I disagreed with him in, but was willing to put minor things aside, because I had favorably judged him. It was an aesthetic choice, I think. He espoused certain principles, and despite the fact that he often changed his position on certain issues, he remained true to his principles to the end. For the sake of those principles, I decided that he would be my friend, even when he told me time and again that he wasn’t a good person and that there could be dire consequences to even talking to him. Like him, I had to remain true to my principles, and seek out the meaning that he represented.
This was the process of acquiring a friend, in this case. I sought out his meaning in a thousand ways, by speaking to him, conversing on topics ranging from politics to the weather to family life. He told me of his ideas of Messiah and his dreams. Sometimes I would listen literally. Other times I would listen as though his prescriptions were an inner guide to healing the man himself. I listened as to a prophet that knows not his own meaning. In the traditional model, a chevrutah studies Torah with you, but in this case, I studied my chevrutah and myself thereby learning of the living Torah that fills the worlds with Kavod.
Finally the day came, and I mentioned one of my own insights on a topic. An audible frown accompanied his statement of confusion. I explained again, this time using catchphrases that he himself had used favorably on several occasions. It wasn’t entirely different from other things he had said, but it was unfamiliar territory. Recognition dawned and he seemed interested. I let it go for a few weeks. Eventually we got to the point where we were trading ideas back and forth regularly. I had things to teach him as well, and he was happy about it!
He started consulting me for oracles on occasion. This was probably when we both learned from each other the most. He even participated in some of the Kadmon experiments with me. It ended with a Sunday morning when K and I were rushing to get the kids to Religious School. He sounded ill. I asked him if there was anyone there who would take care of him or if he’d gone to see the doctor. He said he’d be okay. I told him I needed to get the kids to Religious School, but I’d call him back that afternoon to make sure he was okay.
I did. He didn’t answer.
Huong told me not to beat myself up, because it wasn’t my fault, but I’ve never really stopped blaming myself. I still haven’t really sought out another study partner, and I’m honestly not sure how soon I’ll actually be okay enough to do that. Through him, I learned that I had something to teach, as well as many things to learn. After getting sober, I didn’t think I was worth much, but he showed me that my own nature was good, and that this was a valuable thing in and of itself. I hope that I was able to show him the same.
I think that outside of my own personal saga, this can be a good way to gain rapport with others. By first passing positive judgement upon the person, you assure that no matter what, you will find a way to read their actions as having meaning. Perhaps we should be able to see all people in this way, but it’s much easier to start with just one person and work your way outwards from there. By seeking out and acquiring friendship, it keeps the friendship moving towards workable terms, instead of maintaining unsustainable terms, as in dependencies. Most friendships maintain a balance of power, but this seeking keeps things in a balanced yin/yang sort of state, wherein polarities switch back and forth cyclically. By making for yourself a teacher, you can also learn what kind of teacher you are looking for, and thereby become that role. All of these things put together allow us to create the chains of relationship that trace the fiery glyphs and sigils which manifest change in our world.
“To save one person is to save the world.” (Mishna, Sanhedren 4:5)
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my ayrkain.
Ritual and Dreaming
About a month ago, I was looking at The Kadmon Group’s primary rite, the Hagnizo. I felt like it was too cumbersome. In fact, I get that feeling from a lot of ritual, whether we’re talking about mainstream religious rites or ceremonial ritual. Streamlining and still maintaining the meaning of a rite is very difficult. My approach went like this: Make 3 columns, one for mental space, one for physical space, and the last for what’s going on spiritually. Visualizations go into the mental category, as well as any meditation or astral work. Physical space is self explanatory. The spiritual column should indicate aims and what the mental/physical actions are supposed to do. Then break down the entire ritual. Now, streamline by substituting actions/jedi mind tricks that work better for accomplishing your purpose. Anyway, here’s the result of my streamlining:
Close your eyes and visualize the Phasma. For a moment, you have become the first Human, Adam Kadmon, and you are taking your first breath – a breath that pulls wellsprings of knowledge from deep within the earth. Take a deep breath.
Begin filling a glass with water. Vibrate* the name Temenos with this First Breath. Direct your vibration into the water of the glass while you are still pouring it. When it is full, stop vibrating the name.
Drink half of the glass of water. As you take in the water, holiness flows down along the central axis of your body. You are now one with the axle around which the world turns – a point half way between that which is Above and that which is Below.
Say aloud in a thunderous voice, “The Teli in the Universe is like unto a king upon his throne.”
Dip three fingers in the water and kiss them. Then flick whatever water remains outward. This consecrates the works of your hands, the words of your mouth, and the world around you.
Spend a few minutes meditating on the people in your life. Bring to mind any problems you are having, or that others have with you. {Give them a temporary space on your Sumbolaion Diagram.} Focus your thoughts on solutions and actions that you can take to improve each situation.
Aloud, make the promise to work toward resolution, laying out your planned course of action and the individual steps you will take.
Repeat this for each relationship or group dynamic that you wish to alter, and then for any other problems you face, until your mind is at rest. When you feel at peace, whisper the name, “Suneleusis” and visualize connecting to all the people that crossed your mind.
Once you have finished, say, “I am a descendant of Adam Kadmon. Infuse me with your primordial wisdom.” Finally, drink the rest of the glass of water.
*Note: Optional portions are in {} curly brackets
One of the things I’ve studied in between the time in which I wrote the original rite and when I revised it was Lacanian psychology. I integrated one concept that may be interesting for further use. In dreams, often repressed ideas will emerge in a distorted form that can be cracked through analysis or examination by an outside source. However, in the dream these distorted objects are not treated as symbols, but as literal realities. In the same way, while I am in the middle of a ritual, I take its symbols literally and enact the drama while fully invested. Freud’s pleasure principle holds one back from immersing both within the symbolism and the literal at the same time if manifestation is to occur, so we occult the symbolism in a very literal way. In the case of this rite, none of the symbolism actually treats on one of the primary elements of the rite. It’s not elusive, and it’s easily seen, but it stays just behind the visualizations and vibrated words. It’s a half a glass of water. This symbol of our own outlook on life is pretty deeply embedded into the culture I currently participate in. Thus we infuse our outlook on life with holiness (Temenos) and then proceed to take it back into ourselves. Before we take it all in, first we must examine any problems we may have between people or with ourselves. So we do this, reintegrate ourselves to our community, and finish reintegrating our outlook.
Why is this important? Because there is an element of ritual that like a dream, must remain slightly obscure and out of reach. This is the purpose behind rituals like the G.D.’s corpus of ritual. They obscure behind symbols that we may understand, but don’t fully grasp how one links to another in the ritual context. The deeper parts of our mind take these paradoxes and conundrums, to do with them as they will. They are designed to create powerful linkages between the conscious mind and the unconscious parts of ourselves that limit manifestation by way of the pleasure principle. This is, to me, why good ritual is difficult to write. It must be hidden even from oneself, if it is to work properly. Of course, one may simply put it out of mind, but this is not something that everyone knows how to do or can do well.
In the long term, I’d like to see more ritual written based on the same obfuscations as occur in dreams. I think this is a rich source of symbolism that remains mostly untapped, as it typically mined for literal symbols, and not the obfuscations that are actually more valuable.
Reasons to like humans
1. I sold a PS3 to a 78 year old woman, who was buying it as a holiday gift for her 80 year old husband. If he doesn’t have a heart attack it will be his best holiday ever!
2. Woman who was sent to shop for six teen boys came in to work with a list that was two pages long. She looked very sad. In twenty minutes I was ringing her at the register with all but three items. I also saved her over $100 and hours of frustration. She thanked me and and hugged me.
3. Having a lovely couple come in with three children to shop. The smaller two took apart a display. The father took the little two out to the car and the older boy cleaned up the mess without being asked. His mom gave him $5 and a kiss on the forehead. He had been $5 short on a game he wanted to buy.
There are more, and then there are all the others, but these are my favorites.
Mmmmm…
Found a new Japanese restaurant in town (Gozen Japanese Restaurant). Excellent food, but I hadn’t eaten with chopsticks in long enough that my hand started cramping halfway through my rice. Argh. The green tea and the salmon were great though. They really know how to cook salmon without charring it or leaving it oily. We’ll definitely be going back as soon as possible.
So very long overdue,
I have been very caught up in enjoying life. I have started a new job, and like it very much. I am setting up house, and trying to reorganize the routine. Not all that hard, just different living here. The whole of everything is different. It is a good different. There is room between the walls of our house, places to sit and places to pace when the need arises. It is large enough to echo. My oven bakes beautifully and the living room holds family and friends for entertaining.
I have started over. The schedule has become household routine, work, and religious services. I have stopped most of my old practices. I felt very encumbered. It was the feeling of waking up only to discover that you are wearing shoes that no longer fit. So there is work and discovery in my future. I feel the drive starting again, but I know I cannot continue to go in the same direction. If it means starting over, I am in a good place. Things are well with the family, and with the new home and job.
Mostly, hello to all, and yeah I am still alive.
