The Reluctant Farmer
I’ve been avoiding posting, but I’ve nothing else to do, so I might as well. K and I are talking, and I get to see Lil twice a week, and that’s been really good. Still, the panic attacks get pretty heavy at night. I can manage it during the day, as I will typically go do my daily walk (1 mile) or do deep breathing exercises, but at night it wakes me up over and over, stealing the time I really need to be sleeping. It usually starts with really intense dreams that involve fighting or chasing or being chased, and then I wake up and I feel like some muscle in the inside of my chest is clenched to the point that I cannot breathe. I can do deep breathing and work it out after that, but again, it does keep me awake. Hence me being up at 3am posting this.
In other news, someone called me a farmer today for the first time. I worked on the ranch for a lot of my spare time when I was younger, but I never really felt like I was doing anything but playing at it. Now I’m working with Dad programming some stuff to move financial data around, and it’s a real contribution. Pretty cool, all in all.
Or a unicycle?
I’ve been packing things up tonight – I hate leaving places, but I hate last minute packing even more. Not much of a footprint to clean up here.
That used to be my motto: leave no footprint. Basic reason was that I felt anything I touched would be fucked up just by my touching it, and so the only way to help people was to leave as little impact as possible while touching down for brief periods to help people out and satisfy my own need for human contact. I’ve gotten sloppy in the last 5 years, so now I’m remembering how I used to do it. Oh well, I’m sure it’s like riding a bike…
Grappling
This stuff is so liminal, it’s as hard to get a hold of as a friggin’ grue. It morphs and changes as it enters awareness. Stoicism seems to fail because it may be shielding that which needs to be changed from the catalyst (pain). Is writhing allowed in this race? 
The pain is doing things, and it seems unwise to ignore it. It’s necessary not to flail and waste energy, lest one have nothing left when the real struggle starts. Listen to no one, for they are all the mixed multitude that is trying to destroy everything. Listen to everyone for they are not of the self, and by extension have no interest in the inner life – introduce some novelty. Nervous, self-loathing bitterness pours off in waves. Be calm, beast, and stop bucking, unruly cur. Where is this going? Sounds penetrate the mind, and can’t be processed. Been here before. On the couch of the one-legged man. He proclaimed me beyond help. He wasn’t the last to say so. This is the only outlet for this stuff. When someone walks into the room or calls the cell phone it must all vanish in the light of awareness. It will be fine.
The Phoenix
Today we went to get some things done and ended up going with my cousin J to see a movie. Originally we talked about seeing Transformers, but we missed the only showing we could make it to in our time frame. J’s girlfriend wanted to see The Order of the Phoenix. I didn’t say anything and went along with it, thinking it might be fun. It was and wasn’t. I cried at the wrong parts: parts K and I had discussed for the sake of conversing. I walked out stunned. A pile of ashes. It’s not all gone though. The burning has only begun.
Public Service Announcement
This is a valuable lesson, but not one that is easy for most people to remember.
“One and the Same”
by Audioslave
Well they don’t hate you, you know they love you
But they’re gonna come kill you
They don’t mean you any harm
It’s just what they do
Could be your mother
Could be your father
Or your best friend in the world
But just like blood and rain, love and pain are one and the same (One and the same)
Just like blood and rain, love and pain are one and the same (One and the same)
You wear a mask with a target
Keep your enemies closer
You fall in love from a great height, now the easy part’s over
Choose your battles, not your soldiers
You’re never sure of their colors
But just like blood and rain, love and pain are one and the same (One and the same)
Just like blood and rain, love and pain are one and the same (One and the same)
You’re welcome for the refresher. Don’t get me wrong, I still think that one should at all times act from a deep sense of love for every human being they come into contact with. It’s not always possible for each person, but as a default it works out alright. However, we must also remember that we live in a world formed from the remains of warring semiotic chains of winged warriors. Our lives as such are caught up in this raging sea of ideas. To deny it is madness as sure as utter fascination with it. We navigate the sea to maintain a sense of normality in relationships – normality in the sense that it feels proper to the internal compass. But all sides of this understanding must be present for proper strategy – people are ideas, and if your ideas differ, they are bound to war against you – not metaphoric “war”, rather the stakes are your life and death. People are also flesh and blood beings for whom stupidity and lack of motivation are also major factors. And people are wonderful idealists, most of them, who deserve to be loved and sometimes even believed in, if they are lucky. May we all see clearly enough to know the difference.
I’m heading for Las Vegas in the morning. It’s a shorter drive for purposes of visitation and I have family there. Gotta be able to catch a break somewhere.
